Navigating the Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship

Being a gay man in my late 40s, I’ve spent many, largely enjoyable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I had a committed partnership that lasted a significant period, but I never felt completely content, in that I didn't experience love or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved casual sex. Every time I start seeing a potential partner, when the initial excitement fades, I always get the urge to be intimate with new partners once more.

Reflecting on the Possibility of Monogamy

Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to sustain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many gay men engage in open relationships, yet from my observations, they have seemed demanding, frequently resulting in significant pain and jealousy among all parties. In many ways, I want another man to love me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I fear the psychological toll this would cause. Is it best to keep having spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel somewhat confused.

Each individual's sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle various forms of intimate connections in a finite way. What you need in your current state may well change down the road; eventually you may find yourself more decisive and discover some clarity and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. One day you could encounter a person who provides a transformative opportunity to you by reflecting what you want in a holistic fashion … and at another point you might decide that non-committal encounters are best for you. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is merely rooted in fear and squandering of your efforts. Aim to stay present in your relationships, and recognize the value of each person with whom you might have a sexual connection. When and if the time is right to deepen genuine closeness with one partner, it will be clear.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based therapy professional who specialises in treating sexual disorders.